he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We need a shit load of segways right now
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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