you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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