Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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