just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
