Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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