I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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