On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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