they need to just BURY HIM!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
