I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
