she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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