the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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