I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
