I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
