I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
