Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
