They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
