My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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