I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
