Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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