Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
