when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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