my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
