I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
