You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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