so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
