I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
