The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
