Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
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Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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