she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
