I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
from now on my penis is your penis
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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