Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
