Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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