btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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