I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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