You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm really busy with my period
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