Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
