shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
