I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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