dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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