youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my being single is dangerous.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
