Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
