she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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