Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
