god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
