He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
