I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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