if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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