I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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