i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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