just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
