i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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