Yo dont text me then not text me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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