cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
