I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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