Your face is a jimmy john
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Rumble strips road head = magical
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
