His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
