I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
