so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
