Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
