found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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