I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
