Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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