He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
