I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
